I first diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder with Mixed State Episodes as well as Generalized Anxiety Disorder when I was around 22. I had been having pretty significant issues for several years, but did not experience full blown manic episodes until around 19. Crippling anxiety, hallucinations, deep depression, and harsh mania became my life very rapidly. It took me almost 2 years to receive adequate treatment for my symptoms. I saw several doctors, was prescribed a few different antidepressants that exacerbated my symptoms, visited the ER in an attempt to receive immediate care, finally was able to see a psychiatrist, and waited months more to try medications, adjusts dosages, and see any results. Only now am I finally getting on what I am hoping is a better medication "cocktail" and dosage. Psychiatric care is expensive, difficult to attain quickly, and quality of care is a challenge in and of itself.
It has taken me several years to recognize when I am building up to certain symptoms and what it feels like to experience those symptoms. My symptoms, when I am manic for example, may not be the same each time. That makes it challenging to get control. I am in pain constantly. My mood swings leave me reeling and physically hurting. Medications help some, diet helps some, exercise helps some. Nothing, so far, makes it go away. BPD is so much more than "When you're high you're high, when you're low you're low." It affects cognitive function. It affects how a person perceives events, people, situations. It means doing too much or too little can cause serious repercussions. High isn't always "Floating on Cloud 9". Sometimes High means intense, unparalleled rage. It might mean a compulsive, desperate need for a creative outlet. The year before I was diagnosed I crocheted as if my life depended on it. It was the only activity I could manage that remotely mimicked how fast my mind was racing.
One of the biggest points that I hope to raise awareness about, particularly in my life, is that EVERYTHING I do needs to be calculated, planned, anticipated, prayed about, re-evaluated, etc. Something as simple as meeting friends for dinner can mean the next week is spent in isolation recovering from the emotional and physical drain of that experience. I can't just "run to the store really quickly for a gallon of milk". I get panic attacks in the store. I get overloaded very quickly which means I spend time wandering the aisles convinced I am forgetting something. I have to make every trip out of my house count. I may not be able to make another one the rest of the week. Everything I do, every person I interact with has a "cost" attached. That concept is very challenging to explain adequately when people are vying for my attention or time.
This is a very bare, brief overview of my diagnosis and where I am right now. I'm hoping to go into more details about what symptoms feel and look like in future posts, as well as share what is happening that day. Feel free to comment with questions or insights! Thanks for reading!